Beginning with shame-based religious programming and sexual objectification from early childhood (that told me I was doomed anyway, and a slut just because others desired me), I quickly moved beyond those models to seek another way to live as myself in full expression.
It just so happens; I wanted to develop intimate, open, honest friendships with people that could include sex when mutually desired. I wanted to be able to fly with my sexual impulses and mutual attractions without fear of unhealthy attachments and expectations developing. I realized I wanted partnerships that emerged out of those kinds of friendships. I wanted lovers who were or could become friends and lovers of each other even.... (Can’t we ALL just get along? Haha.)
What I came up with, based on observations of my own pattern of attachments, was a 2 Hook-Up Maximum (2HUMAX). I realized that I had a tendency to become attached to people sometime after the second sexual encounter (I think everyone has their own attachment number, two or three was mine). I'd find myself in a romantic entanglement whether or not it was a good idea. I didn't have the desire, time, or energy to work through those entanglements.
The 2HUMAX worked like this: usually, after one hook up, if it seemed likely more were desired, I'd open up the conversation and disclose my 'rule.' Let's just say that conversation would usually reveal much about ourselves and desires/expectations, and the kinds of relationships we wanted to cultivate. And whether that could work with each other. Most lovers expressed appreciation about this conversation, the honesty, and respect for my choice even if they didn't want to continue on those terms. I had the good fortune to develop some really genuine and lasting friendships with lovers. Some of them did become friends with each other. I don't know if any became lovers with each other (most were hetero-identified men), though, on occasion, there were a few of us involved together. There were lovers for whom the 'rules' were irrelevant and those who never became second hook-ups. What I appreciated about that time was that the relationships I cultivated were founded on acceptance, honesty; respect (and doses of desire and flirtation). There was no shame in having and expressing sexual desire, and no expectation of desire resulting in sex with me...
I cheered on my playmates as they pursued relationships they desired with others. Or sometimes called them on their shit when they weren't acting with respect. Over 5 years ago, I felt ready for more and moved away from my 'rule' to allow for a life partnership to develop. It has (with two young children since then), and again I feel ready to return to more involvement with more people more frequently.
It just so happens; I wanted to develop intimate, open, honest friendships with people that could include sex when mutually desired. I wanted to be able to fly with my sexual impulses and mutual attractions without fear of unhealthy attachments and expectations developing. I realized I wanted partnerships that emerged out of those kinds of friendships. I wanted lovers who were or could become friends and lovers of each other even.... (Can’t we ALL just get along? Haha.)
What I came up with, based on observations of my own pattern of attachments, was a 2 Hook-Up Maximum (2HUMAX). I realized that I had a tendency to become attached to people sometime after the second sexual encounter (I think everyone has their own attachment number, two or three was mine). I'd find myself in a romantic entanglement whether or not it was a good idea. I didn't have the desire, time, or energy to work through those entanglements.
The 2HUMAX worked like this: usually, after one hook up, if it seemed likely more were desired, I'd open up the conversation and disclose my 'rule.' Let's just say that conversation would usually reveal much about ourselves and desires/expectations, and the kinds of relationships we wanted to cultivate. And whether that could work with each other. Most lovers expressed appreciation about this conversation, the honesty, and respect for my choice even if they didn't want to continue on those terms. I had the good fortune to develop some really genuine and lasting friendships with lovers. Some of them did become friends with each other. I don't know if any became lovers with each other (most were hetero-identified men), though, on occasion, there were a few of us involved together. There were lovers for whom the 'rules' were irrelevant and those who never became second hook-ups. What I appreciated about that time was that the relationships I cultivated were founded on acceptance, honesty; respect (and doses of desire and flirtation). There was no shame in having and expressing sexual desire, and no expectation of desire resulting in sex with me...
I cheered on my playmates as they pursued relationships they desired with others. Or sometimes called them on their shit when they weren't acting with respect. Over 5 years ago, I felt ready for more and moved away from my 'rule' to allow for a life partnership to develop. It has (with two young children since then), and again I feel ready to return to more involvement with more people more frequently.
RSS Feed